This is me pretending this is all I need...

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 04:22:04 GMT

Seeing as how Im bored out of my mind...

I have a new LiveJournal I made...

So instead of this one...

I'll be using...

dontsayforever_

...Add me to your friends lists.

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 02:49:13 GMT

When I look into your eyes
theres nothing there to see
nothing but my own mistake
staring back at me.

Thu, 29 Apr 2004 20:42:47 GMT

...So what matters more, being happy ? or making other people happy ? I put myself last no matter what I try to keep everyone else happy. Carmen said I should do that but if im not doing that then what do I do? "make myself happy" Uhm...sorry. I'd rather not its so fucking stupid. "Make me happy" Im perfectly fine being the way I am...giving my full effort to other people and getting nothing in return...FUCK YEAH...Its what I do. I feel like im going to throw up, and die, and fall off a cliff. Matt (Nicoles brother) told me Nicole said she'd call me when she gets out of lock-up.I dont want things to be the same. She needs to change or I cant do this anymore. No matter how much it hurts, she cant keep doing this to me. I cant believe this shit. I either want her to change or Im going to have to move on I cant keep going back to this. I mean I love her and sometimes thats the problem...I can be so forgiving and just put up with shit because I just want to be with her and make things happy, but Im not happy and it probably wont be happy again. Things havent changed. She didnt even talk to me for like 4 days before she even went to lock-up. So what the fuck is going to make things different now? The fact that she's out of lock-up ? I doubt it. I've been so unhappy lately...but why do I really miss her? She doesnt call me. She does drugs. She's fucking up her life. It hurts me to sit here and know I cant do shit to help her because she doesnt even listen to me. And even if she did, what would I say ? Should I tell her not to do drugs, or tell her things I dont like about her ? What would that do ? We've been through all this shit already. Except the lock-up part. She didn't learn her lesson last time so whats so different this time. I mean I wont deny my feelings ; I fucking love her. She makes me feel like no one else. I dont want to lose that again but seriously I cant go through this. Im depressed. I never thought I'd get like this, but I did. I dont care about anything anymore. Here's a quote from my real journal..."Im afraid to call so I'll wait until forever" - - - Talking about Nicole not calling me. Fuck that. If she doesnt want to put it the same effort as im willing to then FUCK HER!!! I know I feel like I NEED her and shit, but guess what...I dont want to be dependent on someone who wont be the same way back. Yeah I dont know. Theres nothing I can do about it. I love her for her but guess what...the drugs dont define the person. So she needs to stop that BULLSHIT! I could go for something to alter my state of mind though, how about some <3 Malibu <3 That sounds good. I wanna get wickked drunk off my ass so I dont care about anything, and I dont think about stupid SHIT. Oh well Fuck it.And MOST of all...FUCK HER

I've become content with
this life that i lead
where i drink to much and
don't believe in much of anything
and i lie to myself
and say "it's for the best."
we're moving forward
but holding ourselves back
and we're waiting on
something that will NEVER come

April 27, 2004

Wed, 28 Apr 2004 01:59:29 GMT

I was so happy today...I went to Wal*Mart with my mom and we got outside into the parking lot after shopping and I looked up at the sky and it was all dark and cloudy exept for one little hole in the clouds where the sun was streaming through, it was so beautiful. I stopped and got wicked happy...THEN my mom took out the camera and took a picture of it. Things like that really make me happy. Like sunrises. Beautiful things in the sky make me happy. I cant wait to see if the picture actually comes out. As for my life I wish I could find that little bit of sun bursting through my clouds. Today was nothing exciting at all. I slept 1, 2 and 4 period. It was great. Then after school Me, Ileana and Jenna went to the plaza and gave Pizza Hut and *cough cough* Shaws...our applications. Pizza Hut made us take a 20 minute little test thing, that made me happy...MAYBE THEY'LL HIRE ME !!! I hope. Then we went to *cough cough* Shaws...and just like every other time I applied for there the girl took the application and didnt say anything. Fuck Shaws, they wont hire me anyways because they are CUNTS. But just for shits and giggles of course I applied. Then I filled out my application for CVS...but I want Melissa to give it to the manager, maybe if I give it to her seeing as how she works there and all...I'll get the job. I bought 2 new "pants for work" today. They are...TIGHT !!! ICK !!! I think they are sorta ugly, but they arent TOO tight. They are okay I guess. I might be able to live. I just need a job, I dont care what I have to wear. I need money. Not just money from my dad and shit on Sundays, I want to be saving money. I was talking to Tina in Auto...and she has me thinking...about...joining the military. I dont know, it sounds smart. I need to check it out more though, and I cant sign up until Im 17 anyways...I wouldnt until im totally out of High School either way. But if they'll pay for your college education, and pay you for being in the army...how bad could it be? I can go through basic...and get paid. Sounds interesting. My mom doesnt want me to because she doesnt want me to go off to Iraq and die somewhere. Its just a thought though. I dont know. I want to make something of myself, I dont really just want to go to college and then get a job...and the military sounds pretty exciting. Anyways...back to now...I really need a job now. And I dont care where it is either :0). OMG OMG OMG...My aunt that lives in Iowa is coming here this Friday, and we're going out to dinner its supposed to be a surprise but my uncle told my mom. I cant believe it, its been two years since I've seen her. I miss her so much. She used to be there for me everyday, now I never talk to her. I miss her </3

April 26, 2004

Tue, 27 Apr 2004 02:28:10 GMT

I've become content with
this life that i lead
where i drink to much and
don't believe in much of anything
and i lie to myself
and say "it's for the best."
we're moving forward,
but holding ourselves back
and we're waiting on
something that will never come

Courtney ~ You have the best taste in music. <3

Sun, 25 Apr 2004 05:15:56 GMT

Im grounded.

Sat, 24 Apr 2004 20:29:26 GMT

Just tell Nemo you couldnt find him because you were too busy getting high ...he'll understand. Nemo .:. My Anti-Drug

April 23, 2004

Fri, 23 Apr 2004 05:31:31 GMT

What should I do? I need some help here people. Okay heres how things are...Nicole is in lock up, what do I do about this? I havent even talked to her since she's been in there. She hasnt written me a letter or anything. So heres my options...1.)Wait for her, even though Im not sure whats going to happen when she gets out. 2.) Move on, go out with someone else. 3.) Just live, I dont know really...not really have a "choice" just go with the flow kinda thing. - - - What I've been doing is going with the flow, but I dont know what to DO, I need advice ! I dont know. I slept over Nick-a-lockin's house the last 3 nights, thats my new home everyone !!! :0) I love her house. Shes grounded though, bad Nicole she didnt call her mom when she was out, and she cut her hair into a mohawk...it looks REALLY good. I love it. But yeah...I dont know what to say. I mean of course I have all these thoughts and shit. I mean what happens if I go out with someone else and Nicole gets out of lock-up...and is all like "I love you" and such. I dont know. Im so confused, I hate feeling this way. Yuup. I dont know what to say.

Dj Babyboi rocks my world.

Im listening to that right now. Its good stuff. Techno is the bestest ever. It makes me happy like whoa. Alrighty well im running out of things to say...So I'll end it here.

Fri, 23 Apr 2004 05:13:37 GMT

Look I dyed my hair.
I <3 this picture.
Good times.

April 20, 2004

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 22:05:42 GMT

Its just pixie sticks Mom...
Dont worry, we got it all under control.

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 22:14:00 GMT

Im sleeping over Nick-a-lockin's house tonight, tomorrow night, and possibly Wednesday night. Whoot Whoot. That rocks my socks.

p.s- Does everyone LOVE my new icon? I do.

April 18, 2004

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 01:19:34 GMT

Im waiting for Bryan to get out of work and come and get me. If he doesnt come soon my moms going to say no again, arrrrgggg. She said "I cant go out past 9"...BULLSHIT. I left after 10 one night and came home before 1. She was FINE with that now all of the sudden I cant go out past 9. I dont know. I'll never understand the parenting view of things like that. I'd be like "Okay have fun, be back at like 2-3, and dont die...k ?". Yup. It was so nice out today. My plan for tomorrow ; lay on the hammock and fall asleep all day, while getting tan. People said its supposed to be like 80 tomorrow. That rocks. I hope it is. I need to wake up sorta early then, so I can catch a good day of sun. That sounds like a good deal. I want to clean the pool too, maybe I'll start tomorrow if its nice enough out. Tomorrow Im supposed to hang out with Ileana and such. I have to call her...yeah. Grr its 9:11. Bryan better get his ass out of work, in his car, and on his phone to me. Yup. Im getting restless. Im listening to *Angel of mine*. Aww. Good song. It makes me want to cry. ::: EMO MOMENT ::: *I look at you looking at me now I know why they say the best things are free*. Anyways...I'm going to sit here waiting...:0) I'll update more whenever.

April 18, 2004

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 00:27:41 GMT

Your Suicide.. by Konstantine
Your Name/Username
Favorite Number?
Favorite Color?
Gender?
How will you commit suicide?	You will stab a knife through your heart
How many tries will it take?	70
When will you commit suicide?	December 23, 2050
What will your suicide note say?	This broken heart will never mend, so never shall I breathe again

Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

April 15, 2004

Thu, 15 Apr 2004 23:05:13 GMT

Dying to touch you
I need you I love you
to make me to mold me
to break me again
I can't deny that
I'm hurting inside as
I'm pulling you close
~~you push me away~~

Apirl 14, 2004

Thu, 15 Apr 2004 02:00:06 GMT

I skipped auto and went to the library with Thuy. We talked about things. Yup. Anyways. I dont know. Tomorrow we're watching *Girl Interupted* in English class. The on Friday we're finishing it and we're getting pizza, which was MY idea. Im a smart cookie. Today was fun after school me and Ileana walked home to my house, and Melissa and Sean we're there. Then after a while of us just hanging out Amber came over, and then Bryan came and we drove around then he got a flat tire. So we went to Dunkin Donuts and hung out there for a while. Then his sister came with a new tire and such, then we were back on the road. We went to BIG Y and got stuff. Then I had to come home...and here I am. Theres not much to say except I found out something today...

Nicole Obert is in lock-up.
For like 4 months.
Isnt that fantastic ?
I find out 5 days later.
Whatever.
~~Fuck it.~~

Wed, 14 Apr 2004 01:43:46 GMT

Who's coming with me?
I really do want to leave.

•

Don't try to tell me what to do,
Dont try to tell me what to say,
Your better off that way
I'm better off alone anyway.

You
still
have
all
of
me

Tue, 13 Apr 2004 01:11:24 GMT

Was there something that I missed?
Well it's not this
All you say is that I'm playing games
~~But if I stay, I'll just go crazy~~
Throw away the promise that you made
And understand
I just want to touch you
~~I just want to fuck you~~
Can I lie to you?
Like you want me to
I'll say that I'm in love with you

Tue, 13 Apr 2004 00:42:23 GMT

But your taste still lingers on my lips
like I just placed them upon yours
and I waste away, I waste away for you.

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 21:52:56 GMT

This
is
me
pretending
this
is
all
I
need.

April 11, 2004

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 18:33:31 GMT

I didnt change.

April 11, 2004

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 17:46:11 GMT

Life is fucking gay.

Girls are for fags.

April 11, 2004

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 15:50:27 GMT

Its Ileana's birthday today :0). Happy 17th man. She rocks. Okay my life huh ? Thursday was the worst day, like at school. I was so like unhappy all day. Besides it being the worst day ever the good part was me and Ileana found Heaven and later that day I slept at Nick-a-lockin's house, and we went out with Bryan and I got drunk. So we went out with Bryan, and picked up Steve and John. We hung out for a while, then went home. My poor Nick-a-lockin threw up. So we chilled in the bathroom for a while, and took pictures with my digital camera. Then we went to bed. Then on Friday I slept over Ileana's house with Jackie. We got drunk again (Round 2). Jackie was playing with my cell phone and calling everyone on the Phone Book. Then we walked to Danielle's house and hung out with her for a while, then we got a cab home. Then when we got home I was tired and shit so after a while we went to sleep. But then like randomly I woke up and "The Reason" video by Hoobastank was on. I started crying like hardcore. So I cried, and then after that I fell asleep. Then I had to wake up for my driving lesson at 9. So I went driving. Wow. I really didnt want to drive. The guy made me parallel park like 9 billion times. I was so mad. Then we picked up some Albanian lady that didn't understand english. She almost killed us. She would like start turning and stop in the middle of a street then turn the wheel then press the gas again. I dont get it. So I was in the back like AAAAAHHHHHHHH we're gonna die. Then they wouldnt drop me off at home so they dropped me off at Nick-a-lockin's house and I took a shower there with Jen and watched a movie. Then she came back. Then we ate cookies. Then we hung out with Chevy and Danielle. We went to McDonalds, then we went to the mall. I dont remember what kind of cologne I sprayed on my sleeve of my sweatshirt but I really want to buy that kind because it smells the best. Then lets see. Me and Nick-a-lockin came home. But I couldnt sit still I jumped on the couch and like ran around, so we went for a walk down to the plaza. I got the Switchfoot CD. They are pretty good. I like some lyrics. Then we came home. Then we went hung out here for like an hour and then Bryan called and I was so happy. I just needed to leave my house HARDCORE. Then we left and went to get John and Steve. Then we went to Melissa's house because she had my 40 Below Summer CD. So we stayed and chatted for a little bit, then we went to Price Chopper. Then we went and drank, well I didnt drink but they did because I finished my Cisco like as soon as I got in the car. So I was done, because I couldnt really see straight. So they drank Tequila's. I layed on the ground while everyone stood around me it felt so nifty. I was looking at the stars. I love doing that. They were so pretty. Then I went pee in a flower pot and Nick-a-lockin took a picture of me with my digital camera. Then when we went back and hung out with the boys I took a picture of John and Steve standing over me when I was laying on the ground. Then we went home, and everything was cool. Steve called my cell phone and so Nick-a-lockin and him were talking and then John got on the phone and told me he wanted to make out with me, and Nick-a-lockin said that he said he likes me. So I was like "Uhm...okay". Then I slept in my closet on the floor, boy oh boy that was fun. I fell asleep on the phone and I dont remember what time it was. I was talking to Melissa but then like I woke up and was like "What Hello?" and no one was there. I dont know how long I fell asleep for. Good times. So basically all in all my weekend was pretty good because I drank every night, and it was fun. Well I have to go and take a shower then hang out with my dad. I dont really want to do anything today, but I guess I have to. Well I'll write more whenever.

*Ill Nino - All the right words*

Was there something that I missed?
Well it's not this
All you say is that I'm playing games
But if I stay, I'll just go crazy
Throw away the promise that you made
And understand
I just want to touch you
I just want to fuck you
Can I lie to you?
Like you want me to
I'll say that I'm in love with you

April 8, 2004

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 01:11:59 GMT

Today I went to school, then after I went over Ileana's. We dont have school Friday. Whoot Whoot. My mom said I have to stay home one night out of the weekend, So on Thursday I want Nick-a-lockin to sleep over here, then on Friday Im sleeping over Ileana's then on Saturday I dont really know yet. Hmm...Nothing has really happened. I want to re-decorate my room. I cant now though because my mom has to buy a car and stuff. Maybe I could just do it myself. I dont know. I just know im getting sick of it. Maybe I could get fabric and make a nice bed cover kinda thingy. I dont really know. I have to go to the mall because I applied for a job, and Im going to keep checking up on it. And Im going to join a temp. agency so then I can get a job with them, then im going to apply for the Centrum, because Bryan and Sean work there. So maybe I could work with them. I really need a job. I need extra money. I need to start paying for shit. I need to buy clothes. Thats what I want. I want to clean out my room and get rid of all the clothes I dont wear, because they suck. Hmm...I dont know I took the most beautiful picture of the sunrise this morning on my digital camera but I deleted it on accident. That sucks when that happens. Hmm...Theres not much to say. Bryan picked me up from school yesterday when I was walking home, we drove around for a while. Its kewl to see him, I havent talked to him in forever. He's a kewl kid. So is his brother Sean. They are nice. Yup. Thats all for now. :0)

March 31, 2004

Wed, 31 Mar 2004 20:44:26 GMT

Hi, Im a bitch and I breathe...and thats a problem.

Hmm...Today kinda sucks. Nothing excting happened at school. I couldnt sleep in study because my arm kept on being numb. In Spanish class Ms.Ciccone said the roofs were a problem because it was raining inside ALOT...as usual. South high is tragically ghetto. I hope they cancel school tomorrow because its FLOODED. Then on Friday I hope it blows up so we dont have to go. I hate school, its such a waste of time. We sit there all day wasting the day away. Yup. I dont know what else to write...

March 30, 2004

Tue, 30 Mar 2004 16:10:31 GMT

Dont worry i'll catch you
dont ever worry
your arms in mine, anytime.
i wouldnt trade anything.
your still my everything.

* Y o u r * M y * A n g e l *